What’s the Worst Pain

(Image from rather.com)

I’ve heard women say that childbirth is the worst physical pain in the world and I won’t dispute that. Between childbirth and any sort of physical menstruation pain, yes. accepted.

What could be worse? How about the pain of knowing? And then having to LIVE with the knowing for the rest of your life?

Therapy can help, therapy for all sorts of mental issues. Talking through your thoughts and feelings, getting feedback and ideas for coping and managing – all good. But when therapy is aimed at getting to the core of WHY you feel this way – then you’ve set yourself up for pain.

It’s amazing that I am still here. It’s amazing that I am a functional person.

Ever have a total realization? Something that hits so hard at the core of who you think you are and rips it to shreds? That ripping, that tearing at the fabric of Self, Id, Ego, Super-Ego – that’s the pain I am talking about.

I’ve had this happen, many times. In therapy. And each time it caused serious physical response. Vomiting in a garbage pail (my psychiatrist got good at having one set up just in case), curling up and shaking violently while wailing and screaming. And each time he just let me go through it, process what we’d discovered. Sometimes it took an hour or more to process enough to let me go home. Sometimes he had to pour me into a cab, give the driver the directions and make sure I had money to pay (this was in the days before Uber and such). And make sure I could get into my apartment and go to sleep.

The kind of pain that people with mental issues, mental illnesses face, the pain of knowing what, who and why. The pain of realizing. The pain of facing one’s Self. It’s a dire step to take on the journey through mental illness and issues.

When you face the Self you’ve built – the walls and the mechanisms that help with coping – and then have to tear them away to find the reasons for those walls and mechanisms – you rip open giant chasms in the fabric of your universe. Its like ripping flesh and seeing bone. It’s like being hit on the head with Mjǫllnir. You’ve pulverized what you think of as Self. And now you have to start over. Build Self anew.

The wounds can heal, somewhat. The Self can knit and create scar over what was. But the pain, that stays. The pain is always at the back of that scar. It can hurt and itch. And it can create even more pain as more scar builds up.

I’ve scar enough for several lifetimes.  And I’ve pain that is the worse in the world.

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